31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”…俺就问了一句：“…隆过？”
32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。
33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？
34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
a. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
b. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
c. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
d. 宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。
35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方
36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
a.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。
b. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。
37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
a. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
意译：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫
38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
意译b： 自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”
c. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。
39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
b. 想立牌坊就得会装
40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~
41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等。
42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。
43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！
44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。
45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。.
46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨叫声是一样滴。
47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。
48、I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！
49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什么忙？！
50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！
51、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
每一个成功的男人背后都有一个女人。每一个翻了船的成功男人背后往往是另一个女人。
52、I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
生活对于我来说是小菜一碟，我通常就着盐和柠檬，再来一小杯烈性酒。
意译a：生活，是一团麻……绳，……再加一根蜡烛……一柄皮鞭。
意译b: 生活，不就是先狂吃菜，然后把烈性白酒一饮而尽？
53、The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
直译：小孩子要中间名，纯粹是为了让他知道他啥时候真的有麻烦了。
直译a：起个全名就为了揍孩子前可以底气十足地喊出来。
意译b：贾君鹏这名字就为了让他妈喊他回家吃饭！
54、It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
跳楼的时候，“啊——”的时候还没死，“啪！”那才是死了。
55、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
人工智能从来敌不过天然请勿使用不良词语。
56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
直译：不要用眼镜腿来打男人，用棒球击杆。
意译: 要下手就得狠，甭来毛毛雨。
57、There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
直译：要想留住谁，在抱摔的时候有一条细线区分出你是否为高手。
其他译法：抱摔是留不住女人的，搂抱才管用。/抱和爆是有区别的。 /推倒和拥抱是有微妙的区别的哟！/拥抱和柔道里的压制是有区别的！
58、A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
所谓砍价，就是这东西虽然你不需要，但价格太好必须要买下来！
59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
绝对不要和长得丑的争执，他们已经没什么可输的了。
60、My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
我的观点或许改变了，但我是正确的这一事实却亘古不变。
意译：我们要搞共产主义，也要搞有中国特色的社会主义。
61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
心理医师：你神经病！！！ 我：能说点别的吗？
心理医师：好！！而且你真TM丑！！！
62、 A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
一单纯傻儿子问他爹：“爸，结婚到底要花多少钱啊？”他爸说：“儿啊，我真不知道…没看见我还在交钱吗？”
63、 Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
有人说“打不过，就合作”。我说“打不过，也要打”。因为丫们指望你加入，得来点惊喜~！
64、When in doubt, mumble.
脑子不好使的话，你就嘟囔。
不明白的话，哼哼试试。
65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
我已决定长生不老，目前为止，感觉良好。
66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were
好客就是：让客人觉得他们像在他们家一样，尽管你真的希望他们滚回他们家。
67、If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
跳伞是这样一种运动：不成功则成仁！
68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
电视侮辱你的智商，电脑则是吐你槽的终极存在！
69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
知识就是力量，力量会邪恶化。那么就好好学习当大魔王吧！
70、Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
钱买不来幸福，但有了它，痛苦的日子会好熬一点。
71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
跟悲观主义者借钱吧！他反正不指望你还！！！
72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
担忧真的好使！！老子担心的事儿90%都没发生！！
73、Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
贞操如泡影，一戳无踪影。
74、Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
这年头，连怀旧都不如从前够味儿了。
75、With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
只要主义真，猪也成超人。
信春哥 ，得永生
76、I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
我早就该知道我跟我EX没戏！归根结底，我是天枰她是JP！
77、Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
豪马克卡上的话：没有你我痛苦万分，正如你就在此处。（没有女人冷冷清清，有了女人鸡犬不宁）
78、You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
越活越2~ /活到老,2到老
79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
直译：外交家们说让你下地狱的时候，措辞也好像你正巴不得来这么趟旅行。
80、 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
我和个壮汉闹急了。 他：老子非得用你丫脸把地给擦了！！！ 我：你会后悔的！！ 他：噢？真哒？怎么讲？ 我：呃，边边角角的地方你擦不到！！！
81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
有些人吹牛说丫能通灵，有些人吹牛说丫有阴阳眼，其他人只是没有这种想象力而已
82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
啊我好爱好爱工作啊~ 工作让我好着迷啊~我TMD死盯着它几个小时了啊！
83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
枪支管理不是问题，SB管理才是问题
84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
女人或许击得并不重，但她们击得更低…..
女人总是能击中男人的要害。
85、Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
直译：记着吧……世界要不恶心，我们早被吐掉了。
别抱怨了，这个世界要是真和谐了，我们这种人就不应该存在~
意译：你们TMD给我记住：没有和谐社会，你们早让美帝国主义给糟蹋了！
86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
上帝蜀黍疼你，只是大家都觉得你2B而已
